sluggards and lions

this picture is quite obviously me and my dad. it's my favorite picture of us and always makes me feel like crying :) and smiling.

i should be giving my eyelids the satisfaction of closing but i have a couple of things on my mind. actually it's more like one thing in particular with a blurry-gob attached to it, containing who knows how many items. kind of like a tumor i suppose. you see, for the past week exactly, i have been inside this house doing absolutely nothing productive aside from letting my oral wounds heal and removing myself from the oppressive company offered by my coworkers at disneyland. i have spent about 80% of my waking hours watching television and not once did i observe the news. as a matter of fact, i can't stand watching the news. i suppose you could say i do my best to avoid anything depressing altogether. this includes Lifetime movies, That's So Raven (the word "depressing" can have many translations) and, of course, the news. i know i should be informed and i should care about what happens in the world...but to be outwright blunt...i guess i just don't care enough. i could probably give some really convincing excuses, some even imbedded with nuggets of truth. however that would deceive not only the reader but myself as well. at least this is a lesson i am currently learning.

so back to the story at hand. i have been cooped up (a phrase my mom hates. i don't care for it much either. but it works) in this house for what seems like a century. i've done nothing worthwhile. i've opened my Bible once and that was because i was looking for a piece of paper and thought maybe it had been smashed somewhere between the thin pages. thoughts come and go through my mind. thoughts of music and discipline and the future and other sorts of things. typically i shoo them away and go back to eating my Jell-O and watching What Not to Wear (a great show, i must add). I'm bedridden, I can't practice piano. what good will it do if i practice? Ah, i might as well just do it tomorrow.

You've got it. I have a solid and dangerous case of Procrastination. prescription? discipline! too bad the bottle is empty. i have lots of ibuprofen though, which makes one feel sleepy and relaxed. ah.

so...all of this is definitely leading somewhere, i promise.

Tonight my dad gave me an ultimatum as he walked over to the living room where i was watching Bring it On (a retarded movie - nothing else was on). He told me to either watch the news or turn it off, basically. and since i don't watch the news, i walked away. We got into a discussion about all of this and of course he was right. I know practically nothing about what's going on in the world. and the fact of the matter is...i don't want to know. what i do know is that it's violent, hateful, discouraging and downright disturbing. murder, war, hatred, evil...i know it's there. i simply choose to ignore it. I know, I know...i shouldn't. I should embrace it and do something about it. Talk is cheap. Action . . . well, that costs more than i may have to offer at this point. Or may be willing to offer, rather.

So we continued talking as he flipped on the news and i drank my lemonade. pink lemonade. i made it. stirred it with a huge heap of sugar. two heaps, in fact. he asked me about different leaders around the world and who they were and of course i couldn't come up with an answer to any of his questions except for "who is al gore?" i knew that one at least. it really is pathetic how much i have tried to separate myself from the real, living and breathing world. i suppose in some way i still wish i was a child like in the above picture, when these things are hidden from you, your ears covered when they are mentioned so that you can go along and play with your dolls in peace. but i have no dolls...and unfortunately there is no peace now.

i wish i could say that i was globally minded. that i had a plan to save the nations...but that would be a lie. I do have a heart for the lost, as generic as that may sound. that is one thing i can say without any ulterior motives whatsoever. no matter where i go or who i am with...i am constantly picturing people in their eternal states. viewing them as souls with a destination. sometimes it hurts so bad that i wish i had never met them. i know that's wrong. i know that i should do the opposite - i should get to know them and share with them the love of Christ. but to be honest, sometimes potential failure is too overwhelming and i simply to nothing instead. I shut my mouth, go about my business and remain on neutral ground.

i am a sluggard. my fears are my lions.

tonight, somehow i walked into my room and i opened up my Bible. misreading my cell phone, I thought it was august 6th (i am seriously detached, i tell you) so i opened up to Proverbs 6, where i read the following passage:

"Go to the ant, you sluggard:
consider its ways and be wise!
It has no commander,
no overseer or ruler,
yet it stores its provisions in summer
and gathers its food at harvest." vs. 6

this verse could not be thrown up into my face at a more perfect time. not that it was thrown...but it was heaved towards me with great force. the verse pretty much speaks for itself. i thought it a bit ironic for me to be reading this during summer, knowing i have things to prepare in order for the rest of the year to run smoothly. but i have sat around all summer and have accomplished none of it. i have royally slacked off.

and then i opened up this new devotional i am going through by John Piper, called Taste and See. I hadn't opened it in a while and i thought I'd give it another whirl. The last chapter was positively pointless.

I was amazed. literally, my mouth dropped open as i read the title of the chapter.
"Pondering the Illusions Created by a Lazy Heart". DING DING DING DING DING. red flag. lazy heart. that's me, the sluggard.

it talked about how we make excuses for our laziness, then justifying the desires in our hearts to the processes of our minds. for example...i really should work out. but my heart desperately does not want to go. i tell myself that i am still healing and it probably would not be a good idea. i then, in turn, justify my desires, and now my heart and mind are in agreement, regardless if it is right or wrong. as Piper says, "We feel powerful desires or fears in our hearts, and then our minds bend reality to justify the desires and fears."

he says it much better.

all of this to says . . . i'm a bit more woken up than i was this morning. and i'm about to go to bed.
that pink lemonade was amazing, really.