insecurities

i am craving mcdonald's fries. this is sin, and i know it. i'm trying hard to resist but it's a bit difficult. my roommate is having a fast food feast in the kitchen, and i am trying to forget it by downing the Peach Citrus Fresca (which is my absolute favorite carbonated beverage). food food food. what would i do without you? probably not very much. because i'd be dead.

thanksgiving break is just around the corner, figuratively speaking. i will be remaining here on campus so i can at least attempt to accomplish something besides staying up all night with my sister on Thanksgiving night, as is our tradition. We always end up playing Monopoly and laughing at things that typically would not be funny to either one of us. And then at 5am, we wake up my mom who, every year, still says "Girls! You didn't go to bed! I can't believe you!" I guess everyone has their own part in the tradition. Then we head off to Kohl's, and always stop at the Starbucks at the other end of the parking lot. I always get an Apple Cider with no whip cream and no caramel, and they always forget my specific instructions. Like I said, everyone must take part.

I've been in a beanie-making frenzy lately (meaning yesterday and today). I'm on my 4th. Teal and red. and maybe some yellow or lime. something that doesn't match. that's the ticket!

This semester has been interesting, and I anticipate the day when i can just lay on my bed, stare at the ceiling, and reminisce over the last 4.5 years of my life and try to glean something from it all. This semester i've been in two modes: Accomplishment Mode and Procrastination Mode. This has provided me with much internal conflict. And to be quite honest, my relationship with the Lord is getting a little dusty on its proverbial shelf. This is, very basically, bad. I'm not making excuses, but simply explaining myself - the reason why I've neglected my walk with the Lord and any kind of spiritual exercise - is because i couldn't fit it into the Accomplishment mode - i simply could not just put it on my to-do list. And yet couldn't put it in the Procrastination mode because that would entirely defeat the purpose. I'm not sure what kind of mode I'd need to be in to actually get my act together. Maybe no mode at all. Maybe I should forget modes. Regardless of my situation - there really is no excuse, and I've told myself this not daily . . . but hourly. Am i in some kind of denial where I think there will be no consequence for my action - or lack thereof? Why can't I act my age?

I'm going to go finish my beanie. I'm currently frustrated with myself. And with my lack of maturity.

side note: today i received, in the mail, three packages from 3 different graduate schools: Boston University, Emerson College and Berklee School of Music. I'd really like to go to the second. REALLY.