perpetually procrastinating

I've recently discovered that I am not as much of a loner as I previously thought. Sure, I enjoy taking my meals solo - allows me time to people watch, think and journal (or read). And I would much rather go shopping unaccompanied, seeing as I tend to slip into the "zone" and forget about the rest of the humans. And yes, I spend multiple hours daily holed up inside a practice room - me and a (sometimes tuned) piano. But that certainly doesn't mean I want to live my entire life without any sort of human contact. I'm reading a book right now called "Party of One: The Loner's Manifesto" by Anneli Rufus, and it's absolutely wonderful. It's very well-written and for that reason alone, you should go buy it immediately. I'm only on Chapter 3 or 4 (they aren't numbered) but already I have learned so much. I've learned that I am not the "hardcore loner" chiefly discussed in this book. I reside more on the outskirts of Lonerville (which...actually...doesn't make any sense. screw analogies.) Basically - I am of the introspective, introverted, solitude-loving, analytical, loves-the-mathematical-side-of-music-theory, detail-oriented type. This means I gain energy through being alone. But, just like I learned with Zours last semester, you can definitely O.D. on a good thing. (random fact: too many Zours can make your tongue bleed.) i've also recently come to the realization that i love to create, which is very different from teaching. i need to teach for the money. i need the money for food. i need food so i don't die. That sounds absolutely dreadful, I know, but i don't really care. Sure, I enjoy helping a kid learn how to play a D harmonic minor scale, but it's not something i wake up excited to do. At the end of a lesson, my body and mind are completely drained. I am not that bubbly individual that seems to have an endless supply of pizazz. (i pride myself on spelling, but i must admit right now that i don't actually know how many Z's the word pizazz or pizzazz or pizaz .... haz. haha. i crack myself up.)

Anyways, I feel like changing topics. In just a few short weeks I will be a graduate of California Baptist University. I won't have my actual degree until May, but who needs to know that? I am anxious, a smidge apprehensive, but in general, ready to move on to the next chapter in my life's unwritten novel. (dang i said i wouldn't do analogies...or metaphors. whatever. i'm not an english major.........yet.) But all of this to say . . . I'm curious about the future. As far as all of that marriage mess goes - I'll be honest and say I look forward to someday being united to a tall, burly, flannel-clad mountain man who will protect me from gangsters and the IRS. and heck, i even look forward to having well-behaved children who won't cry in target OR wal-mart. my little girls won't wear powerpuff girls light-up sneakers with a faded pink Sunday dress, and their hair will not always be an imitation of a natural disaster. And my little boys won't wear those detestable "crocs" or play video games (unless it's mario kart, in which case i'll play too). I look forward to all of this - but it's in the same way I look forward to someday getting my doctorate in heaven-knows-what. In other words, it's a very distant reality, if a reality at all. In the past i was indeed that stereotypical Christian girl that wrote letters to her future husband and had list after list of requirements for the poor fellow. But I can truthfully declare tonight that I am no longer that girl. I haven't been for a while. I am now the girl that craves independence, and although incredibly happy for my married friends, am also incredibly grateful I am free. Free to experience life without attachment. Free to be an individual and learn what it means to find my identity in Christ and Christ alone. I feel like i should be saying all of this while twirling around in an open meadow, or on a Swiss hilltop, like Maria from Sound of Music (was it Switzerland? Does it matter?)

I really should get to bed. I've been staying up way past the point of sanity ... or insanity ... and it's definitely taking a toll on me. For heaven's sake I've actually been emotional when listening to music. That never happens! I almost cried today when I heard Anuna's version of Silent Night (which, regardless of my emotion, is an incredible song - my absolute favorite Christmas tune. And Anuna is a phenomenal group.) So all of this said, I must bid thee, oh devoted blog-reader of mine (if you do, in fact, exist) a good night.

until the morrow.

p.s. i counted today, and out of the 68 pages of piano music for my senior recital, I have 37 memorized. I'm over halfway there!!!!!!!!


this is the book i mentioned previously. purchase! now!



it's time to string up those lights.